Maybe cause i'm stubborn?

so much as happened.  and it's exhausting.  so i'm relaxing right now.  i'm tired of being the bad guy.  so i'll remove myself.  at least if i am to remain the bad guy, i don't have to hear it.  i'm still going to continue to do what i do...so if it's wrong, i don't care to be right.

(ugh...did i just say that?)

but i'm serious.  i can't do anything else.  i can't make it  right all the time.  i do try.  but at the same time, if i'm supposed to be ur "friend"......nevermind.

but this shit is special.  it's soooo crazy.  it's sooo much.   so involved.  I don't like to put myself in places with extra drama, baggage, bullshit, negativaty, tudes, moods....none of that.  and it's hard when i know i have all that waiting for me at home. 

--------------------------

u know what i dont want?

i don't want to be asked to or expected to change anypart of me right now.  i dont want to be more calm, more lax, more considerate, more planned, more quiet.  i've only been coming home to my own space for 6 months and it's not even mine....i have a ROOMMATE!  i want to live the next 4-5 years of my life without have'n to grow up or be responsible.  as good as it feels to be in a stable relationship, i'm not in one.  and i'm not going to fight for one.  if it comes back and lands in my lap or the pieces line up or i'm comfortable being whatever half i need to be in this relationship then fine.  until then, if what i do doesn't work with whom ever whats to be with me...then don't be with me.  don't be friends with me.  dont talk to me.  dont be around.

if it hurts me, then i'll get over it.  i'll work it out.  i've been hurt before.  i've been disappointed before.  i've wanted to take my own life before.  and i came back from it.

so i can def over come anything else.

no one can bring me down from my personal high.  and it's that's simple.  yet i'm always guilty of letting my selfish ways black out others.

and my only response is..."*shrug*...my bad".

------------------------------------------

Krys. 

I love u.  i really do.  u mean a lot to me.  when we have good times, they are good times.  and i take it to be just that.  i don't want u to leave me or fall out of my life.  that will hurt.  but i can grow from that.  yes i've done some fucked up shit.  we both have.  that's why we're in this crazy situation that we are in now.  but take it how it is and float with it.  spending time try'n to analyze it and make sense of it bothers me.  it's headache.  we're not ready to be back together.  that's not happen'n.  so i'm not going to try to make it happen.  if it does it does.  if not, thank u for everything from the bottom of my heart.

so until we get to either one of those points, i'm not going to think about it any more than that.  and i wish u wouldn't either.  i didn't mean to cause confusion.  i did miss u.  it was nice sleeping next to u.  but i'm not ready to be all urs again.  yes we're still sick in love.  i know there's like a 75 percent chance of us moving in together and all that but that doesn't mean let's do it tomorrow.  i don't even want to think about it tomorrow.

just float.

is that wrong?

it's been a while...

...my computer's dead and i have a lot to catch up on.  and i'm waiting my turn for the Wii so i'm making this short.

work....fine.  i'm cocktailing more.  making more money.  shaune's last day is today.   i'm going to miss her.  she'll miss me too.  we had our mushy moment.

in the meantime, i'll be looking to relocate after the first.

Nikki's coo.  Sabrina's nothing.  Denise is crazy.

Krys is still....Krys.  She's still my love, my hate, my sanity, my worst, my headache, my joy.  My Friend.

(can someone look up the word friend for me?)

Derrick's sick.  Alia and Brian are Alia and Brian.

Barnun last week...i was topless.  and made extra money.  lol.  K was there.....we had hennessy shots.  she wouldn't let me take her clothes off.  *pouts*

I'll be there tomorrow with krys.  probably with Stevie tonight.

yeah he's in town.  His family said i don't come around till he's here cause i have someone else.

well....*shrug*  what can i say?

my mom's the shit!!!! for christmas, i got a car note paid, i got full coverage insurance, and some cash. 

My parents are the greatest in the world.

okay...my turn to Wii.  i may or maynot be back.

so right when the tv strike was going to end...

the cable goes out and prolly won't be back on till monday.

fucking great.

but it's okay.  i've gotten a lot done, gone to sleep earlier at night, done some thinking, some reading.  yeah, i'll make it.

in other news....someone calls me from sabrina's phone at 5:45am and it's not sabrina.  i still don't know how i feel about that.  but i told the other person (who was nice and pleasant) that she wasn't with me.  they apologized and said goodbye.  to show u how out of it i was at that time...i don't even remember if it was a boy or a girl.  ummm.

my cousin got a better job.  i'm happy for her.  now she can afford like...rent AND daughter.  before, she could only afford daughter.  that'll be coo.

i'm still sniffing and coughing.  it's kill'n me.  but i'm alive.

Brian and Alia are crazy.  i've come to that conclusion.  they fight all the time about the dumbest shit all because she doesn't listen.  i hate to say i'm always on his side but it's true.  they fought this morning....that's how i woke up.  i heard them talk'n about mailing a check.  she said she can do it for free later, he said it's coo, he got the change, he about to go drop it off now cause he's leave'n out.  they started argue'n.  *raises eyebrow*.  She decides shes going to call her brother to come pick her up now so she can beat him out the house and drop the mail off "for free".  he's look'n at her like "leave him alone....i'll take it....it's only some change...lay down".  The scene i come out the room to is alia half dressed in the living room on the phone, call'n her brother over and over again with tears in her eyes with me, brian, and derrick by the door with our coats on about to go run our errands.  he didn't answer his phone, she couldn't take the mail, she went to her room and threw a tantrum.

*cocks head to the side*.

but i love my roommate.  *sigh*

I want to go out with someone tonight.  A conversation with my sister yesterday:

Her: Mel, who's that girl u were sitting in the bar with that night?
me: ummm sister, how many females have i brought in here?
Her: u've had a little number walk through here....
me: sooo why do u think i'll remember that ONE girl that ONE night that ONE time i was at the bar?  ain't no ONE!
Her: *laughs* my bad...u whore.  the girl with the locs.
me: *blank face*
Her: ummm.....okay the girl with the locs that u said wasn't from out here, she lived in Maryland too.
me: so u narrowed it down to four....keep going.
Her:  DAYUM....*laughs harder*....okay nevermind.  i was going to say she was cute.
me: *laughs*...i mean, they all are.

how do i feel about that?  lol - It's like an extended speed dating.  go out with thirty females over the course of two months....and then at the end, rate and rank them and call back ur top three.  lmao.

Random Thought of the Day:  If i never moved out here, if i moved to the south instead....like, if i had a spot in Baton Rouge right now (prolly w/ Gerard as my Brian...just always at my house...."hey Rardy! i miss u!!"), i think i'd be a stripper.  Up here...u gotta have a ten body and know how to do the splits.  down south, all u gotta know is how to make ur ass move and how to pop real hard.  lol.  i've been do'n that shit for years!  lmao.  i bet i'd make sick money in the south. 

Tasha:  If we ever have a "no cares" weekend in the south...we're going to amature night at the strip club.  lol.

end random thought.

I'm home, Brian's back, Alia sounds like she's almost sane. 

............................................spoke too soon.

somebody's "dumb as shit and always walk'n away" now.

I'm going to sleep.

so at about one thirty in the morning, i have the urge to get up and get in the shower.  wash my hair, under hot water.  breathing in the steam.  hopefully that'll help clear my lungs. 

*thinking about it*

yeah, after this entry, that's what i'm going to do.

i decided at work today that i was going to try something new...sleep without the TV.  like keep it off when i get home.  read a book, get online, think, meditate.  It's been very interesting...well...the time between my hacks and coughs.  I turned on some music and i'm letting it play.  lising to everyone from corrine bailey ray to robin thicke to j holiday to neyo then over to musiq and back to brian mcknight and gerald levert and skip'n through erica badu.  *deep sigh* oh how do i love my mix.

i'm resting my voice to.  i'm good at reading out loud, thinking out loud, calling someone.  i'm not talking.  not speaking at all.  not humming.  nothing.  my throat hurts.  i had only half my voice all day.

i want my voice and my head and my chest to be clear for dinner with Sabrina.

and i want my nose to not be so sore anymore.

Random begin:  Yesterday i heard about this case study from this paranormal group about a little boy who sees ghosts....specifically, a few in his house.  a white mist, a black mist, and a boy called timmy.  he was disturbed by seeing ghosts in their injured form, paranoid of the ones in regular human form, and heard voices that told him to do bad things.  they took him to churches, therapists, all that.  the catholic church got involved.  I feel like anyone can see a spirit if they willingly open their minds enough.  i'm scared to so i don't.  i don't look for it.  i don't sit in the dark and call out names or ask questions.  i don't second guess and question creaks in the hallway.  i know they're there, just like they know i'm here.  they don't fuck with me and i'm not fuck'n with them. 

more randomness:  after i finish this entry, and wash my hair, then retwist it, (then take a nodose,) then sit under a dryer.....i thought of this cute style i think i can try.  lol - yes it did take all that.

ummm....anyone wanna come help?

*puppy dog smile*.

let me know...in the meantime, i'll be in the shower (at 1:40 am-ish...ummm...is it too late?...oh well..)

Someone tell me....

did we have fun cause we had nice conversation, or because i knew she made six figures a year?

is it wrong to have company at four in the morning?

i am shy...aren't i?

apparently when u go to a lesbian bar and lip sing to beyonce, u make tips.  someone tell me how that works.

and finally.....

why the FUCK can't i stay away from people in uniform????

...okay so she not in uniform but she wears a suit, carries a gun, and works for the government.  i mean...ain't that close enough?

now, as u were.